in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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