Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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