Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
