mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
