I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
