And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
