I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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