Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
