at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
