Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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