Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize