Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
