Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
