On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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