This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
We need a shit load of segways right now
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
