I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
