If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
