When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
