i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
