I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Randomize
