I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
