do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
