The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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