I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
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