the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
