hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
