I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
