Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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