he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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