youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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