i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
