i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
