guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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