I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
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