I haven't been this sober since birth.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
