I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
