I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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