Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
