You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
