Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
