woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
