Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
