nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
