i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
