Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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