he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
