even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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