listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
