So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
