i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
