Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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