She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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