Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
