What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
We left an ass print on the piano.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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