Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
