I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
