remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
