I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
God I need to hump something, right now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize