My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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