I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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