Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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