Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
