College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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