new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
