you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
