This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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