That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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